March 2005

I believe that this is the greatest gift I could ever leave my children and their families.

The ensuing account of my therapy comes under the following headings.

1. Why did I commence this form of therapy in the first place and what were my expectations?
2. A short history of my life to date summarising the key people, events & circumstances that have brought me to this point.
3. My experiences & understanding of the therapy.
4. Changes experienced and my outlook on life.

Why me?

The answer to the first question is relatively simple – My life was a mess.

That didn’t mean that I couldn’t function or operate on a day to day basis, in fact I was excellent at it. What I mean was that there was always an underlying feeling & voice that made me feel uncomfortable with myself. I wasn’t sure who I was, what I was doing, how I was meant to act, respond or behave.

I constantly felt & believed that people we against me, that there was a secret handshake or instruction notice that I had missed out on at birth that held all the answers, and if only I could get a copy I would be all right. I felt at ease with people one day and desperate to hide away the next but again never really sure why.

I projected my feelings and beliefs onto others and looked to family & friends to confirm mine. Others could easily sway my opinion of events and circumstances, and my confidence & self-esteem were reliant upon others that I believed cared for me & had my best interests at heart.

The best bit though – if you meet me casually you would have thought the exact opposite.

I knew I could come across as a confident, well adjusted person.

In my field of employment I reached the highest position in one of the shortest periods of time and at a young age. Brilliant? – Hardly. Just very good at convincing others that I was in control of things, had the answers and the means to make things happen.

The trouble was that to give that impression to others took a lot of energy.

I constantly felt run down and under pressure to perform and lived with a kind of excitable nervous energy. The behaviour I exhibited when in this state could be anywhere from volatile, passive, negative, inconsistent, angry or submissive. On the other side of the coin under the same circumstances I could respond in a clear, positive and appropriate manner.

Logic told me that if I could on occasions act in an appropriate manner then my behaviour and emotional stability was just a matter of taking control.

Talk about a defence mechanism. That belief was one that I held true for approximately 30 years.

The only problem was that it didn’t work. I could be in control of my emotions for days or even weeks on end without an outburst. I would hear the voice in my head confirm this. “I am in control” – and then for no apparent reason or circumstance something small and trivial or big and frightening would set me off. There was rarely a warning sign or specific event that I could pinpoint as ‘setting me off’.

The only constant that I experienced was that my outbursts were ‘generally’ with people that I felt safe around – my family. I saved these emotional roller coasters for them, which made it easier to contain in my work environment.

I blamed those I loved because logic told me that if I could contain my emotions at work I could contain them at home. In other words it is not my fault so somebody else must be acting unreasonably to cause me to act this way.

Over time my inconsistent behaviour began to affect my relationships with my family and people who I called my close friends.

Looking back it must have been very difficult to be my friend. I was opinionated and rigid in my point of view. I showed very little true consideration for others and was so inconsistent in my behaviour that one could never have been sure what they would find on any given day. I was a needy friend who looked to others for guidance & perspective. Every emotional transaction I made had a condition placed upon it. My daily life was filled with expectations of others and when I was disappointed I blamed others for the pain I felt. For family members I can only imagine it was even worse.

I tried to accept others as I found them but frequently judged them using my criteria.

The more unreasonable my behaviour came the more I defended my actions and criticised the actions of others. My ability to rationalise and deal unemotionally with issues became more & more difficult both at work and in my private life. My ability to handle problems became more problematic. I blamed my family to their face & my colleagues behind their backs for my workload & their lack of support and comprehension.

My physical health began to suffer with symptoms including endless colds & flu, mouth ulcers, joint aches, back pain, and constant tiredness developed into chronic fatigue.

Mentally I was constantly irritable and sad. I lost the ability to express what I was feeling. I could speak for hours without conclusion or resolution. I became afraid to try anything new that might change my life, instead preferring talk & fantasy to action.

I took my frustration out on my family and criticised them for their perceived inaction. All in all not a great picture. Nevertheless I still believed in my ability to change and I believed that I had a lot to offer. I always wanted to realise my potential. Before starting with Anca it was “to be able to show others” – to confirm in my mind that I could do anything I wanted to do despite them and what they thought of me. Now since completing much of the therapy my focus has changed.

So I started with the therapy to change my life. I would love to claim that I recognised my need to change, sought out Anca’s number and made the call. Instead my wife spoke to a valued friend who spoke to me about Anca and the therapy process at length.

I knew deep down that I needed help but had had very little success with any previous councillors or therapists. I admit that I initially viewed Anca and the process with a healthy amount of scepticism. I can even remember laughing & grinning to myself about the ‘absurdity of it in the first few visits. But something inside kept me going back

My expectations at first were minimal. As a said I had had much counselling over the past 20 years or so with limited effect. Logically I saw no reason to think this process would be any different.

My saving grace was that I wanted to change. I wanted to be the best I could be. I wanted to remove the barriers that I felt were hampering my best efforts.

I wanted to value myself as a healthy individual and enjoy life and my family and so Anca had a willing ‘client’.

I promised my wife and myself that I would attend no less than 6 visits to give the treatment & myself “a fair go.”

I told my wife as if to defend my position “If things improve then that will be great – if they don’t at least I have given it a try.”

Deep inside I was terrified. I desperately wanted it to work. I clearly remember walking from my car to the first appointment believing that my life was reliant upon something significant changing in me and hoping that the next hour could help in starting to facilitate that.

I asked a lot of questions at the first few sessions – about anger, about realising my potential, about removing the barriers of past generations and about enhancing my life.

I listened too – something I have never done naturally. I was encouraged by the answers I received and without understanding any of the process on a conscious level I knew I was in the right place.

I was tentative in my expectations for a number of visits and for a number of reasons. I had been disappointed with therapy in the past and I understood very little, if any, of what I was experiencing now.

“Back to the Future”

One of my key reasons for attending this therapy in the first place was my apprehension surrounding my young family. I had a two and four-year-old and they had a Dad dealing with the past whilst trying to live in the present.

The way I saw things was that I was now responsible for two little lives. I remember asking myself one night how can they rely on me when I am having trouble relying on myself?

I became determined not to let the past into the present. The more resolved I became the more frequently I watched myself imitate my parent’s behaviour.

Like my father I became angry over ridiculous little things, berating my innocent children. I criticised their curiosity seeing it rather as poor behaviour. I communicated with them one moment only to cast them aside the next. I am ashamed to admit I played all sorts of emotional games – the same games that my siblings and I endured as children.

I knew what I was doing too. I desperately wanted to stop this behaviour and give my beautiful kids the life they deserved. But the more I tried, the more self-will I applied, the worse & more frequent it got. I hope they forgive me.

There was no excuse or reason for the hurt I caused but I did realise one thing eventually. I was not in control of what was happening. I delivered the hurtful words but I didn’t write the script. That started long before.

My father and his father like him were of the Stoic make-up. There were very rarely any outward signs of affection or love. I cannot remember my father ever saying to me that he loved me. I am sure he does but that was something that was never communicated.

I have no doubt the same applied for him with his father. My father was always quick to mention the negatives in regards to his children’s efforts.

I can remember my brother walking off a rugby oval after scoring a number of tries in a match to have my father criticise him for missing a tackle I expected my father to congratulate him but instead he was criticised for missing a tackle. I can still see the pain and hurt in my brother’s eyes.

My father used aggression to solve many ‘perceived’ problems. Prolonged periods of silence and withdrawal were often employed as physiological games. Promises and apologises always came with conditions attached. His behaviour could be reasonable one moment and totally unreasonable the next. The triggers for mood swings were inconsistent. My family lived in a constant state of apprehension and uncertainty.

My father is an alcoholic who used liquor as a means of escape. Much of the extreme behaviour he exhibited could be put down to the effects of his addiction. He managed the pain he felt with a substance that effected all his family and friends.

His father was a stern man who saw Dad’s addition as a weakness and thus Dad as a weak man. He banished my father from ever returning home and when he tried to reconcile the relationship my Grandfather ignored him completely. My father and his brother were sent to boarding school at the age of 8 and only saw their parents once or twice a year at best.

My father was unable to ever patch things up with his father due to stubbornness from both parties.

It must have been extremely difficult for him growing up, having a family of his own and not possessing the means to escape this dysfunctional upbringing. Unfortunately many of the emotional problems were simply transferred to a new generation.

I don’t know a great deal about my mother’s upbringing except that she was a single child who was loved dearly by her parents, and she was a bright child intellectually with a promising future.

From my memory she was always able to assess and see situations with a remarkable clarity – even during periods of massive personal & family turmoil.

However, this clarity of thought often did not translate into action to improve circumstances and I can only assume that fear of the unknown was a more powerful motivator at the time.

My mother has always suffered from low self-esteem and an almost apologetic manner surrounds her at times. She often doubts her own ability even though to her friends, work colleges and family she is one of the most capable people we know.

One of my most vivid memories of my mother though is one whose personality, emotional stability and energy could quite easily be dictated to and altered by the attitude and behaviours of others, predominantly my father.

I remember my father turning up at my mother’s work one afternoon and demanding money from her. I can still recall her crying and physically shaking unsure of what to do.

To a sane person to contemplate giving him money must be inconceivable. However living in such a dysfunctional environment for so long played havoc with all the family’s self esteem and ability to deal rationally with situations and problems.

I stood between them and calmly kept repeating ‘say no Mum’.

Finally she did say ‘no’ to his demands, only to have him laugh at her and walk out of the office (of course not before I received a barrage of abuse and personal putdowns) Today my mother and father spend much of their time together however neither call it anything more than providing a sense of company for each other.

There is little in the way of friendship, intimacy, trust, regard or love. Instead it keeps loneliness at bay.

Today it remains a dysfunctional relationship, often characterised by childish disagreements, raising of voices and personal criticisms. They continue to ‘bait’ each other over insignificant issues and know exactly how to annoy each other at any given moment.

I have two siblings – a brother and sister both older than me. My brother suffered physically and physiologically at the hands of my father until he became stronger and bigger. Unfortunately my brother instead of changing the trend of behaviour, repaid it with interest. He could be characterised initially, as someone who contained his pain and anger until it became unmanageable and then erupted with violence. In the past 10 years his behaviour became less aggressive and more and more introspective. He was diagnosed with depression approximately 10 years ago.

Today it is difficult to have any meaningful discussion with him. He actively abstains for controversial family issues and detaches from difficult topics rather than offer solutions until the situation become untenantable.

My sister is the other extreme to my brother. She was and remains prepared to force her opinion onto any situation. She could be characterised as verbally aggressive and constantly ready for an argument. She too suffered physiologically living in such a dysfunctional family and used her ability to argue and out argue others as an outlet for the anger, hurt and frustration she felt inside.

She has attended many different phycologists but only ever when her situation becomes so desperate that she does not have a self-will solution of her own. My sister’s life goes from one crisis to another. Every situation that is problematic unfolds into an extreme reaction. There are no small problems – only big dilemmas. She relies constantly on others for support often burning out friendships due to her neediness’s and opinionatedness.

Apart from myself all the members of my family live within 20 minutes of each other. They continue to draw each other into problems and subconsciously play emotional games to hurt or unsettle. They are Co-dependant and consistently draw energy from each other, preferring to blame rather than look within. Given all this I do care for my family but am now at a point where I can detach with love. I understand the best opportunity that I can give any of them in improving their own lives is through the attraction of a healthy happy me.

More Therapy?

As I have previously mentioned I have experienced many types of therapy.

In all honesty I have never had a great interest in, nor focused on the different types of therapy offered to me. I just wanted it to work. Simple as that. Perhaps I have been fortunate in being prepared to try new methods because my objective has never changed. I have spoken to my inner child, addressed my imaginary father sitting in an empty chair opposite, experienced hypnotherapy, positive self speak, support groups etc, etc.

I don’t intend to make light of theses methods as I am sure they have helped a great deal of people. Indeed they have helped me from time to time however the therapy I have experienced with Anca has one major difference. It has been sustainable.

Whenever I experienced other forms of help prior to Anca they invariably brought up more and more issues and deep-seated pain.

The problem was that the therapy I was receiving at the time couldn’t address all the pain, so I would be referred to someone else to assist me further. This cycle continued for many years. It resulted in me becoming less and less confident that anyone could help me fight off these demons. I started to feel more like an experiment than a man trying to recover his identity.

The Neuro Psychotherapy I have undertaken over the past 18 months has been able to manage and alter self-destructive patterns I have lived with my entire life. These behaviours included inappropriate anger, extreme sadness and negativity, hostility, resentment, fear, rejection, pessimism, numbness and disappointment. Throughout Anca has been there to help make me as comfortable as possible and support & guide me as I ‘rewire’ my emotional behaviour.

The therapy is often made up of a number of elements from providing feedback, to sensory tracking, eliciting emotions, identifying time-lines of developmental behaviours to name a few. Anca provided me with amongst other things a chart called the behavioural barometer that identified these destructive behaviours and the positive alternatives.

I was encouraged to hear that by undergoing Sensory Training not only would I be able to rid myself of these poor behaviours but that on completion of the treatment it is impossible to return to them. As Anca put it – you will no longer recognise these behaviours and will find them unacceptable.

I have also come to understand that attempting to control behaviour through self-will is impossible. Instead I am creating new behaviours that are becoming an inherit part of me.

These changes are not something I need to try and control – they are now just part of my make-up and who I am – and who I was meant to be. I am glad I have stuck with this process. It has been extremely difficult at times with many varied emotions coming to the surface without warning and many stages of feeling more uncomfortable than I could have ever imagined. But now that much has been overcome I am grateful for the opportunity and excited about the future.

“A new beginning”

So what are the changes I have experienced so far?

• I am far less angry. When I am angry it is appropriate anger. It is measured and fitting instead of rage and hysteria. When I get angry I deal with that issue only and don’t allow it to affect the rest of my life. It’s not premeditated. It’s not designed to be hurtful. It’s fair and reasonable and it is considerate of my rights and the rights of others. I don’t enjoy anger or being angry. Sounds silly, but anger was a daily occurrence growing up. I enjoy surprising myself & others by remaining calm and even laughing when the expectation is that I will fly off the handle.
• I don’t suffer guilt. I don’t beat up on myself now preferring kindness to criticism. This is a change I don’t think I ever though I could make. I was so good at self-criticism and punishment that I quite enjoyed it. Failure was part of my everyday vocabulary and even when things were good I would expect it to deteriorate.
  I have found myself feeling empathy for others without taking on their pain and responsibilities. I act as an adult now taking account for my life and all aspects of it and affording those around me the same opportunities. I no longer feel guilt and grief about the past –preferring to focus on the future. The past does not have the same hold over me. I am able to see others in my live very differently now. I am prepared to listen more and act on their behalf less. I feel a sense of honesty about my behaviour. I am reliable and concerned about others but not always at the expense of my own needs. I am much more willing to take responsibility for my behaviour and accountability for decisions and choices that I make. I don’t blame others for my lot in life. I consider myself fortunate now seeing many more positives.
• I am more productive. I see projects through to their completion and have developed a preparedness to strive for more than I thought I was capable of. I am enthusiastic about the changes I am experiencing and feel a very real sense of anything is possible. I don’t dwell on choices and decisions I need to make, regardless if they are large or small. There is a determination about me now that is courageous and motivated. There is a level of optimism about the future that I have never experienced before.
• I am willing to change. I think I always possessed this quality but the areas it has affected have broadened. I am more willing to accept other peoples points of view and consider them with as much credibility as my own. I will adapt my own point of view preferring to consider others than be rigid in my own thinking.
• I am becoming more in tune with my needs. I take time out for myself now. I am able to recognise when I am stressed and act immediately to reduce the impact and consequences. I feel I am a more complete human being, able to deal with a wider range of circumstances without feeling overwhelmed.
• I find more joy in my day. I am able to laugh more and enjoy other people’s company. I am more interested in the stories of others. I listen and take information in.
• I am more considerate of others and their feelings.
• I am prepared to apologise to others if I have done wrong – I don’t try and make excuses for my behaviour now.

I haven’t completed my therapy with Anca yet but the “sustainable” changes I have experienced over the past 18 months have changed my life in ways I could have never imagined possible. I know within myself that there is more work to do and I am approaching this not with dread but rather anticipation of further possibilities and opportunities. This has been a wonderful experience that my wife and eldest child has also experienced now. Our family and the relationships within are becoming so strong.

Once we complete the therapy, we will have broken a dysfunctional chain of events and family history forever.

I believe that this is the greatest gift I could ever leave my children and their families.

Thanks Anca.
Sydney Australia March 2005

Call Anca now on +61 2 94183692 or on +61 414 414 286 for your personal appointment.