February 2005

Now I read fluently with greater speed and comprehension

At the time just prior to beginning therapy there were stressful events both within the dynamic of my family of origin and my work environment. These stresses had been present for many years but I had always perceived them as “my role” or as part of my identity, "that’s just what I did! ". As I became more unsettled and less fulfilled with these behavioral roles, these environments became increasingly stressful. All I was managing to do was cope with these roles and acquired identies.

With time I became more exhausted, disillusioned and anwious. I left my place of work and began to withdraw from my family of origin. I also around that time committed to a relationship, which I enjoyed immensely.

I felt that the future was bright and positive.

One day I could not get out of bed. I was exhausted beyond reason; I had pelvic cramps, severe headaches, a pleural infection and feelings of profound depression and despair. I thought it was a phase of acute withdrawal from prolonged stress. However despite a battery of medical tests, rest and the positive support of my partner and children, any improvement was small and short term.

I began to realise that my feelings of despair and hopeless endless struggle were not related to my current situation but rather was a theme that was frighteningly familiar, as if it had always lived in the periphery of my vision but had never been acknowledged or defined. I had kept my life since young adulthood busy, rational and controlled with education, adventure, travel, business and family. Now that which had been in the periphery of my vision had become a gapping black hole in the center.

Although scared and reluctant (common when we are not in control) I decided that it was time to get on with shining the light under the dark rocks. Life is too short to waste in hiding or denial. I understood that when we truly commit to an outcome for our lives our unconscious minds will support us by delivering and addressing all of the issues which keep us from those outcomes. I may not like what I am given to deal with but I can be sure it is directly related to the non achievement of the goal.

I had in the past worked extensively with different aspects of neuro - emotional work and had experienced its effects in my life in making many of the changes I had to date. I chose NP because I had already experienced in a different format the significant and profound effect of neurological change and its effects on beliefs and behaviors. It is effective at the physiological level at which beliefs and behaviors are imprinted in our nervous systems. The changes do not depend on understanding or controlling the dysfunction’s but rather by neurologicaly stimulating, resolving and integrating them so that functional behaviors can be expressed.

We move from defensive reaction to expressive pro-action with life and its events.

The technology and processes of NP marries many individual modalities, which take effect at conscious, unconscious and physical levels. They are all tried and true and reflect dynamic developments in areas such as psychology, neuro physiology, neuro biochemistry, homeopathy, kinesieology, acupuncture and NLP.

I knew that this was a good choice for me because that which had stayed in my periphery had done so not through neglect or lack of courage but, I realise now because the trauma of the past was too great.

It had been like an emotional clubfoot that I could not see or recognise because it had been there all my life. I had perceived it as normal, and yet each time I went to dance my authentic and joyous dance of life, I would end up arse over tit and flat on my face. I needed a technique which would bypass my conscious need to control what was my overwhelming fear of falling into the deepest darkest abyss of my unidentified hell - never to be seen again.

My parents were European of origin. Centuries of a culture known for its emotional repression and dogmatic views. A determined people. Their religion was one of almost medieval Christian beliefs, even though dressed in 20th century circumstances of freedom and equality, in principle based on guilt, fear and control. Like many European cultures theirs had lived through and emerged from wars, depressions and great hardships. Within my parents family cultures aggression, covert anger, humiliation and dominance over others was the order of the day. Submit or dominate, that was the scope of their world.

They migrated to Australia for freedom and opportunity and like many migrants fought hard a long to attain their “success” in a new country. It also meant unbeknown to them, that they were in an environment where they were no longer being dominated and so like so many abused they in the name of love, family and religion began a family, a small community over which they could dominate and in the name of love (as they knew it) act out the abuses – emotional, physical and sexual of their own pasts.

Another of my goals was that this would stop with me. I would not enact these behaviors and pass them to my children as my family had generation to generation.

My roles, their structures and how I identified with them began falling away and out of my control as I began work with NP. I began spontaneously to address and resolve the defence states, which I had put into place at different developmental stages of my life. Often I would be “busy” with these issues without being consciously aware of what they were. I can best describe the subjective experience of the therapy process in terms of emotions, physical symptoms and experiential changes.

Emotionally my experiences were as varied as the emotions themselves. Many of the sates were at the time all encompassing and seemed totally real, especially when in a regressed state of early childhood. I felt that the anger, fear, absolute terror and utter destitution were me as I had experienced them as a child.

I knew too well how to disconnect and rationalize in order to isolate my self. Isolation to me meant safety and security. Emotional trust and connection in a state of safety were totally foreign to me. Reliving emotional states which I so effectively dissociated from (and which had cost me my ability to truly feel alive and connected with life) was often daunting. I felt often brought to the limits of my courage and in despair that my life would be one prolonged experience of what I had unconsciously invested so much in to repress and survive.

For me these experiences bought me to a point of realisation, that to live a mere fraction of an authentic life was not a viable option, neither was denial or limping on. I realised too that the choice was mine alone. That which had drained my life for so long could be experienced vividly for a short time or it could go on draining it chronically for the rest of my life.

This is really the only gift of immeasurable value we can give ourselves – the shot at an authentic life, one which resonates the profound joy and creativity of our humanity. That which also becomes a gift to those we love. Changes in me brought about changes in our family. The only way through was forward – step by step.

As I proceeded I began to develop a deep trust in myself, that a part of me (the part we all have) that would keep me safe and connected to my goal. This part of me was my anchor, my lifeline. I began to understand that these states were reruns only, unrelated to current people and events. These emotional states had been real and needed to be acknowledged and processed but not be taken on as currently personal. A flu leaves us felling like death warmed up but we are not the flu. We feel it, we nurture ourselves through it and simply let it run its course and then it passes.

These extreme emotional states are incidental to the journey not the destination.

With this view I began on advice to take for a period of time anti depressant medication for two reasons. Firstly to facilitate the acuteness of the states (there are no prizes for feeling pain beyond your limits) and secondly to assist with the rebalancing of my seretonin deficient brain chemistry.

Physically there were periods when I was constantly exhausted. I would sleep 11 hrs a night and then nap for 2 hrs during the day. My thinking was vague and confused at times and my memory poor. My ability to manage the day to day activities of my life for short periods were affected. I experienced physical symptoms, which I had had at different stages of my childhood, restlessness and deep aching in my legs and pelvis. At times I was unable to support my torso in a sitting position. I experienced ringing in my ears, changes in my vision and stiff and aching joints.

But the news is not all bad. Every journey does have its turning point and step by step we do get there. Gradually my underlying emotional tone was no longer one of foreboding in the periphery of my mind, it began changing. My baseline of normal became much more buoyant. For the first time in my life my sleep was not one of comatosed exhaustion but rather relaxed rejuvenation. My body and mind could let go, not constantly be on guard, be in a relaxed state every day despite everyday trials and tribulations. I began feeling a more constant sense of peace, unity, trust in self and life, a sense that no matter what happened I would be fine. I began to feel empowered, that I had the ability to make my life happen not just merely be in accommodation of life’s’ and others events and expectations. How good that feels! A sense of freedom which is independent of external experience.

Experientially my ability to “be present” in a loving and emotionally intimate relationship is developing beautifully. The relationships that I have with my children are transitioning from mother only to maturing friendships. This is a delight for me and for them. I see myself now, not as series of roles and tailor made identities to facilitate my existence in the world, but more and more as simply me with a wide and varied repeatoir of skills and resources which I can apply in a whole host of ways.

My overall ability to manage the trials and tribulations of life in a clear and beneficial way is markedly improved. My recognition of the written word was always slow and at times undiscernable where as now I read fluently with greater speed and comprehension. My ability to cross contextualise ideas has improved significantly. My ability to develop business strategies and successful negotiations with win / win outcomes has improved.

I have always believed that if the mind is capable of conceiving something, the person is capable of achieving it. It was just a question of finding or inventing a way.

So for me when I embarked on this journey fundamentally only two things remained to be done – One - finding a tool/process/experience which will facilitate my outcome. – Two – Commit at every level of my being to my goal, strap on the gumboots and keep moving forward doggedly step by step toward my outcome believing that whatever fell away would br replaced by that which was delightfully me.

Processes and experiences don’t give us our goals. They provide us with the journey we need to become the person capable of fulfilling our own dreams.

Thanks Anca.
Sydney Australia February 2005

Call Anca now on +61 2 94183692 or on +61 414 414 286 for your personal appointment.